I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
