His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
