i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
