I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
