Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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