My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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