Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
