I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
