This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
