He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
