a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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