what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
