did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
