every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
false alarm, still single
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
