my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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