Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
