We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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