I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
