So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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