she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
