Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
