I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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