my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
