Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We're too hungover to prance.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
