My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
the liver wants what the liver wants
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
