So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
