Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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