either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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