Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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