Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
