I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
