You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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