the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
