I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
