he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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