If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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