her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
