"it" just moved
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
