the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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