She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
