I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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