so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
