I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
