you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
