I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
