apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
