woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
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