the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
