Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
