I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
